In the 1990's, 90% of college students would not consider marriage if they were not "in love." In the 1960's, however, 33% of college men and 75% of college women would have considered marrying someone they didn't love.
Why the radical change? Probably because college women have become much more secure and independent, more confident they can find love with someone. That's wonderful! I wonder if it will produce better marriages?
What specific characteristics do we tend to look for (consciously) in a mate? Both men and women agree that mutual attraction, dependable character, and emotionally stability are the most important traits. However, men and women disagree about the importance of certain other characteristics, e.g. men value good looks more than women and women value good financial future and ambitiousness
more than men (Allgeier & Wiederman, 1991). Science doesn't yet know why the sexes--almost universally--have these particular preferences.
Why should men want attractive women more than women want attractive men? Is it because men are more sexually obsessed than women? Is the valuing of attractive women and successful men simply an arbitrary, readily changeable cultural definition of what is "good?" Could there be evolutionary- sociobiological forces at work, reflecting the fact that men could spread more of their genes (produced by the millions every day) by mating with many healthy (pretty) women and women could propagate their very limited genes best by attracting a strong, devoted, capable mate?
Regardless of the source, today, whether we like it or not, looking good is a major asset for women and having a promising future increases a man's appeal. See discussion of gender roles in chapter 9.
Looks have always been valued, but in recent decades, physical attractiveness of the partner has become even more important to both sexes. Men may admit their interest more openly, however.
Men talk about being "leg men," "breast men," etc. and some women admit to being interested in "nice buns," "hairy legs," "broad shoulders," etc. No doubt body build influences who we seek out as well as how we feel about our own attractiveness. About 28% of single males consider themselves attractive; they are among the more socially active and assertive. Only about 13% of single females consider themselves to be pretty (Harper's, 1985).
Interestingly, good looking women are happy with their social lives, but they tend to be less socially skilled and less assertive than other women (perhaps because very attractive people are sometimes resented and rejected by their own sex).
Nevertheless, other people generally expect beautiful people to be poised, sociable, strong, interesting, happy and successful, thus, scaring off the insecure. In reality, many attractive people are shy and insecure themselves. Also, research shows that good looks in one's youth has little to do with middle-aged happiness or marital satisfaction (Brehm,
1985).
We are also likely to pursue a potential lover who is similar to us, i.e. likes attract. This includes family background, education, age, religion, personality (dominance, nurturance, mood), attitudes (opinions, beliefs), and physical attractiveness. Sharon Brehm suggests that we think Mr. or Ms. Right is just like us, only just a little better! Some writers (Brothers, 1984) believe that we should seek a mate who is, in some ways, our psychological opposite, e.g. if we are tense and shy, we should select a secure and outgoing partner; if we are a big spender, select a saver; if impulsive, select a careful, logical, controlled partner and so on.
Certainly one partner can sometimes compensate for the other's weaknesses or extremes but it surely isn't always best to select our psychological opposite. Two highly controlling people wouldn't relate well. We need to be similar on some traits and different on others, but we don't yet know what mix is best. Eva Klohnen, at the University of Iowa, is researching the possibility that we are attracted to people with characteristics we like in ourselves and
to people who do not have the characteristics we dislike in ourselves. Finding a wonderful, permanent partner is complex.
If we think we might not be able to get and keep our Mr. or Ms. Right, our desire increases. Thus, when parents prohibit us from dating someone or when our lover moves away or when we fear we won't get a date or when the person we are interested in plays "hard- to-get," our longing for the lover grows.
Yet, there must be some indication that he/she likes us; otherwise, we are likely to conclude that he/she is "stuck up." We like people who like us but we are leery of a person who will "go out with anyone." We are flattered if we are "the chosen one." Yet, some women hesitate to ask men out for fear of being considered "sexually loose." Interestingly, research has shown that women, who are judged to be intelligent by men, are not considered "sexually aggressive" even though the women take the initiative in asking for a date (Meer, 1985). So, ladies don't "play dumb."
Also, men often don't pick up on hints that women are available. So, explicitly invite him to do something with you. Naturally, he may "make a move" to see if you are "loose." You can say "no" whenever you want.
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